Tension with purpose

There’s been a lot of talk about the moon, or the stars, or the planets. What that translates to me is, there’s a whole lot of crazy going on. Some would argue, as the weather gets warmer so do people’s tempers. But this is North Dakota, and a high of 76 is not what I would call temper inducing weather.

Some would blame their horoscope. Others would argue that when we invite persons who dabble in occultist practices, we shouldn’t be surprised when we begin to see manifestation of other-worldly havoc we invited to our area. (I’ll just let that set). Whomever or whatever you want to blame, I wouldn’t argue that some people have been ‘testy’ or unreasonable or just troubled, in general.

I, personally, underwent a surgical procedure on my neck; and I’m slowly regaining my strength and my joy. Let me digress a bit, and expose some history.

Occasionally, I travel. Usually to areas a bit removed from the beaten path, doing things with people that may seem unordinary, but certainly move my heart. Now, I haven’t traveled in a few years, because employers frown upon extended absences from work. But I was raised traveling the world, and I struggle to settle with domesticity.

Upon return from my last extended stay in Southeast Asia, I suffered, what the American doctor could only guess was, my third bout of measles (bear in mind I’ve had my shots). I survived that, and a couple of years later developed a lump on my neck. Doctors surmised it must be some unknown infection picked up during my travels, which my lymph nodes held captive to save the rest of my body. Doctors advised it was not worth removing, since it would cause risk to my voice, neck muscles and nerves.

I may not be a Grammy award winning artist, but I believe one of my purposes in life is to sing, make music, and teach others to use their musical gifts and to worship. I spent more than a few moments thinking about what would happen if I lost my voice, or my ability to play an instrument. What would my purpose be?

Skip forward a couple of years, and it became apparent this “thing” was growing and causing other issues. The doctors here were unable to identify the cause of the thing, down-played the risk, and we proceeded to schedule its removal.

I’m not going to lie. There was some fear involved in the whole process. I did not want to vocalize my worst fear – that it would change or diminish my voice, or prevent me from having full use of my arm. (I already have one bad hand – that’s a whole different story). So, I embarked on a personal mission to finish recording at least one song, just in case that was the last anyone would hear from me; and the project did not get finished before I had to go under the knife.

Well, I gotta say, when you operate in fear, it changes your outlook, your perspective, and how you react in situations and how you treat people. Fear usually manifests itself in insecurity or in anger. And people do weird things and treat others poorly when motivated by fear.

Am I boring you yet? Hang in there, I’m getting to the point.

I came out of surgery hoarse, numb, and unable to be around music (let alone, sing), without losing my hearing in one ear. Again, I fought hard not to vocalize my fear - becoming more and more frustrated by my situation.

I finally had to remind myself that I have a choice. And I have to choose to not be bitter at disappointment. That means forgiving those who wrongly or unknowingly caused me conflict. I had to choose to not be bitter at God, whether or not my body heals to its better condition.

I felt heavy and discouraged. There are well-meaning people who often say, “God does not give you more than you can handle”. I do not believe that a good God, gives us bad things. I think bad things happen because evil exists and because we are sometimes stupid. And God, not surprised, uses those moments to our betterment.

In any event, I ran across an old quote by Melissa Helser that I had committed to FB a couple of years back. That talks about music and tension, which is what I’ve been feeling:

"We like to say that without tension, you can’t make music. You take the tension out of any instrument and it doesn’t sing anymore. Tension is really beautiful if you know the One who is allowing the tension. He’ll never allow the tension to get so tight that it breaks you."

Don’t know Ms. Helser? I got you. Even James Taylor said, “Music is like a huge release of tension.”

Isn’t this true? We have so many ideologies about sound releasing tension (for example, “singing like a canary”). Well, depending upon the type and amount of pressure our tune changes! (Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes not so much).

I made the choice to sing. Regardless of what may happen. So I went to church, and sat at the piano, and, wouldn’t you know, that was the sweetest time for me. I cried tears of joy, thankful that I was still able to sing, in spite of my circumstance. The thing is, when we sing about who He is, we remember who We are.

I choose not to be bitter and angry and motivated by fear. I choose to think about goodness and kindness and love. When I choose to give more lip service to the good things, suddenly the bad things don’t matter as much. That is who I want to be. And that, whether you are in church, or sitting in a boat somewhere, or in the shower, is thankfulness. And thankfulness gives way to worship.

So, whether I feel strong, courageous, or pleased with my surroundings, I can let that tension create a new sound in me. A sound I can release to change the atmosphere around me. That’s what I was meant to do, and who I was meant to be.